I'm tired of pretending.

Man. I use this thing so sporadically that I had actually forgotten how to post entry and had to hunt around the menu for a moment...


But I want to record that today I learned that we are expecting our second child! We're very happy. We weren't necessarily trying, but we had both commented about wanting another baby soon, and lo and behold!

So I'm going to be pregnant and (eventually) have two small children while I'm in grad school. No big deal, right?

If I had known I would love grad school this much I would have gone years ago. I'm an AMAZING STUDENT when I apply myself.

I wish I had been a better undergrad.

Graduate school is kicking my ass. I've been told by everyone who's ever done it that it's supposed to feel this way in the beginning; but, HOLY SHIT. Information theory is fucking DENSE. I'm wading through articles and textbooks so slowly. And I'm not used to reading things without understanding what they're telling me.

I finally broke down and started outlining as I read and it helped, but it's been a HUGE blow to my confidence that I'm not a smarty pants... Humility can be yummy, too, though, I guess. I haven't felt uptight about saying the right thing yet because I seriously know that I don't know shit. It's liberating.

In other news: house, marriage, dog. All are well. Child is beyond fantastic. She gets cooler every day. She's 19 months and she already knows shapes (triangle, circle, star, heart) and animals and she sings a lot (Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star; Row, Row, Row, Your Boat; and The Itsy Bitsy Spider -- complete with all the hand motions.) She's learning colors and she is a complete book slut already. I put all the non-board books up on the highest shelf of a cabinet in her room and often I catch her climbing the lower shelves to get to those books. She has a few books that we read to her with voices and sound effects and I caught her "reading" one of them to herself a while ago. She was doing all the noises and making all the motions to match the page she was on. It was hilarious/touching/reaffirming.

Her language is exploding right now. I think she'll be talking in sentences pretty soon. She already understands and uses the possessive form of nouns. She'll say "Daddy's chair" or "Ernie's toy" or "Mama's purse".

She's super active and is starting to try to do somersaults by putting the top of her head on the ground while she's still standing, so that she's a low arch over the ground. Once she gets the courage to push over, she'll be off to the races.

With Daddy at dawn in Santa Monica:


( Photos )

I got into grad school. I'ma be a librarian in a few more years.

...The third generation of librarians in my family.

All is well. I am happy. No time for LJ. Baby growing rapidly. Close to standing on her own. Calls me mama. Waves bye-bye. Exudes sweetness and intensity.

Turned two in AA last month. Starting Al-Anon soon.

John is getting settled at the non-profit where he is the Development Director. He, too, starts grad school this year. He is positively edible.

Could probably find something to complain about, but it's not worth the effort.

So Sadie has her first bout of a stomach bug today. She was up all night vomiting, which scared the shit out of John and me. They way she was retching sounded like she had stopped breathing. John and I bolted out of bed and I was practically beating Sadie on the back to make her breathe. Scary, scary, scary.

She's such a trooper, though. Good-natured to the bone. She's been smiling and babbling all day. She gets a little fussy, but not nearly as bad as I would be if I had vomited as much as she has recently. I have a lot to learn from this little seven-month-old.

Other than that, things are good. John and I are settling into our new house nicely. We have plans for a few renouvations; but they're nothing necessary, which is so nice. The last thing I would want to be dealing with right now is a house that needed any work. It's so fun to think of projects, though. I married a very handy man and I consume a fairly steady diet of HGTV, so this house is going to feel loved. Think: meditation garden (with a bridge and a water feature), French doors where now there is only a window (John has the skill to do this beautifully -- he used to work for a high-end renouvation company in LA), a small deck, a compost box, a vegetable garden, possibly a hot tub (if we can work it in without it looking schlocky.) It will be fun.

John is going in to meet with the Executive Director of a non-profit tomorrow. He's been offered a position as Development Director. I'm really proud of and excited for him. He's working for an agency he can be proud of because it's aligned with his philosophy. He'll be supporting us very comfortably by doing the work of his heart, which is such a blessing for anyone. And he'll be able to start grad school in January. Apparently, his office at the new job is gigantic and sorta cool. So I think he'll be happy. He so suited for this sort of work because he's really good with people and networking and multitasking and that lot. It was an unexpected boon, and I'm really pleased for him. He's such a good worker, they'll be thrilled to have him.

I'm meditating again. I tried out John's school of Zen sorta casually, and maybe it was just where I was in my life, but it didn't really gel for me. It's a beautiful tradition, the Kwan Um School of Zen; but I connect so much more with Tibetan Buddhism. I'm enraptured by Pema Chodron right now. While she's not saying anything new, she's so warm and maternal and plain-spoken. It's deepened my meditation practice -- possibly simply the connection with a woman practitioner as a sort of teacher (although I've I've not yet met her.) I'm hoping to attend a retreat with her next year when Sadie will be better able to tolerate my absence for a few days.

I have to admit, there's something freeing about having my own practice, as opposed to sharing a practice with my husband. And though we still sit together from time to time, I don't feel as though I am under his tutelage in some manner, since he's been practicing for years longer than have I. And, as he said a few nights ago, I may just have Tibetan karma. My practice feels present so much more often than it ever has with any other tradition. I come back to it throughout the day so much more readily. I am treating myself and others with more compassion -- and when I don't, I can still appreciate the frailty of the human experience.

For once, the emphasis is on something other than perfection. Something other than fleeing pain, seeking peace, and reinforcing a delusion of happiness. Good and bad are only thinking. I am learning Don't Know Mind, to borrow from Zen Master Seung Sahn.

I'm having this fantasy that, after the kid(s) are grown and John and I have retired, we can give it all up and become a monk and a nun, in perfect harmony and with nothing but love for one another. John nearly became a monk a few years ago, but halfway through his postulancy he realised it didn't feel right at that time. I haven't told him about my monastic fantasy, but he would probably appreciate it.

And now I drink tea and work on my fourth step. (Btw: still sober. Two years on November 2nd. Although I haven't actually had a drink since August 4th, 2005 -- but I was still smoking pot until November 2nd, 2005...)

We close on the house tomorrow (Friday) at 4pm. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited.

And our lender estimated we'll be getting money back at closing -- which, YEA!!! We'll find out in the morning, though, after the closing documents are prepared.

HOMEOWNERSHIP!!!

You hear about it. You think to yourself, "How bad could it be?" You forget about it. Then it happens. You settle in to nurse. The baby is a little keyed up -- rolling around and squealing, goofing off. You try to calm her down to eat. She opens her mouth. She gets a devilish little pinched look about her face -- just as she bites you on the nipple.

Not once.
Not twice.
Six times.

Six times yesterday.

And she has teeth now.

I'm bruised. It hurts to nurse. And now I'm afraid to let her go anywhere near my chest.

I tried a few anti-chomp tactics, to no avail. I tried the old Thump Her On The Nose/Cheek/Chin. It feels too much like spanking -- which I adamantly oppose. The first three times she bit I screamed on impulse. She laughed once, then cried with terror the next two times. Then I tried taking the boob away and saying 'no' with stern emphasis and that made her cry with terror, too.

So I've come to the conclusion that she doesn't understand 'no' and that hitting is just wrong, so all I can do is watch for the signs that she's going to bite (she gets an impish little something about her) and remove the boob when it happens.

My God, it hurts, though, people.

Wow. I sorta forgot I had this thing.

Here's the baby:





All is well. We're in the process of buying a house. John's working for a non-profit. We're planning to start graduate school in the Fall of '08. Oklahoma sucks as much I remember; but we probably won't be here forever, so I can deal.

I'm still sober. It'll be two years on November 2nd. Best decision I ever made. I didn't know how bad it was until I stopped.

A lot has happened in a year and a half. But I'm thankful for all of it. Not all of it has been easy, but it's all been worth it.

Monster storm in Norman right now. Lightning like daylight. I'll go to bed soon. But I like the night, when the baby is asleep next to John and I can sip a cup of tea by myself for a few minutes before I slip into bed next to them.

Simple is always better.

The best that you can do is fall in love.

It's one of the most rewarding things I've ever experienced, loving this irreplaceable man. He's introduced me to myself in many ways. He's given me a sense of both protection and protectiveness I didn't really know existed either for or within me. He's jam-packed with beauty and uniqueness. He is perfect(ly imperfect).

We are having a baby together in February.
And we are marrying each other tomorrow afternoon in a private ceremony at the Zen Center, which is also where we will live together for the first time.

It all feels magical to me. Although I am frightened to become a mother -- will our baby be born healthy?, will I be a good mother?, are finances going to be excruciating?, is my labor going to be smooth? But mostly, I feel magic and hope and peace. I'm marrying a very special person and we will be living in the very special place that has been his home for the past five years.

This morning I laid on the wicker sofa under the Bohdi tree in the garden of the Zen Center and the morning was bright sun, cool air, and butterflies on the tree with delicate purple blossoms -- black butterflies and white, monarchs. Bumblebees, honey bees. I've seen hummingbirds there, too, but not this morning. The Bohdi tree is full of new growth -- tender green leaves ready to unfurl at the ends of branches. The old leaves are falling away.

I saw Munich yesterday. It's astonishing.
See it as soon as you can.

This is the second part of my inital review of "What The Bleep Do We Know?!". If you haven't read that post already, you may want to. It's the one right before this one, if you're directionally challenged.

If you've already read it, or if you don't care that you haven't, the rest of this post can be found directly following the punctuation of this sentence.


In viewing the website for "What The Bleep Do We Know?!" while culling information on JZ Knight and her bullshit get-rich-quick new age hurdy-gurdy spirit-guide, Ramtha, I noticed a link to that transparent snake-oil saleswoman Ramtha's website.

I now have more than one reason to believe that the film "What The Bleep Do We Know?!" is full-on propaganda for JZ Knight and her sock puppet mystic, Ramtha.

I'll start at the beginning.

The film was made by the following production company: Lord of The Wind Films, LLC.
One of Ramtha's downloadable "enlightenments" is entitled, you guessed it: The Lord of The Wind. (It's on the home page of the Ramtha website, if you want to see it for yourself.)

The Ramtha website features an endorsement of the film "What The Bleep Do We Know?!"
According to the website, "The film, 'What The Bleep Do We Know?!' features Ramtha and several of his selected teachers in a new type of film that is part documentary, part story, and part elaborate, inspiring visual effects and animations." (Also on the home page of the Ramtha website.) More about his "selected teachers" below.

The film was "initiated" -- and completely financed -- by co-director William Arntz.
According to this article, William Arntz studied at the Ramtha "school" for six or seven years prior to the making of What The Bleep Do We Know?!. And, in his own words, "a lot of the stuff that we talk about in the film is part of the curriculum out there."

Another of the film's directors is Mark Vicente.
William Arntz met Mark Vicente at the Ramtha "school". (Contained in the immediately aforementioned article.)

One of the film's "scientists" is Ramtha "himself", channeled by JZ Knight.
For more on this, see my prior post. Or the Ramtha website, if you have a strong stomach.

Another of the film's "scientists" is Miceal Ledwith.
Miceal Ledwith is one of "Ramtha's appointed teachers". (According to Ramtha's website, "Ramtha has directed five of his advanced students to take the beginning teachings out into the world.")

Yet another of the film's scientists is Joseph Dispenza (a chiropractor.)
Joseph Dispenza gives one of the film's final thoughts, which espouses the idea of "creating your day". "Create Your Day" is an "original teaching by Ramtha The Enlightened One".

And yet another of the film's scientists is Fred Alan Wolf.
On the Ramtha website, Fred Alan Wolf gives a glowing endorsement of Ramtha and the "Create Your Day" "enlightenment": "Listen and watch Ramtha. You will get closer to the truth than you can from many of today's resources. Oh, by the way, you will also learn how you create your reality." (Miceal Ledwith also provides a glowing endorsement.)

Much of the film deals with a concept of "The Observer" (and not in any real philosophical sense) and the entire film is based (badly) in quantum theory
The Ramtha website offers a downloadable "teaching" on "The Observer and the Quantum Field". (Also on the home page of the Ramtha website.)



Okay. Seriously. I know that if I continue to research, I will find more links between the movie and this fucking cult -- or, as they like to call themselves, an "exciting, dynamic and relevant educational and spiritual curriculum". But it is 4.30 in the morning and I have shit to do in a matter of hours and must, therefore, sleep.

But I'm serious. The next time someone tells you how fucking great this movie is, stuff them in the nearest trashcan.

Ramtha, my ass.

So I broke down and watched "What The Bleep Do We Know?" today. I'd heard mixed and polarised reviews.

You can probably already tell what I thought of the film.

The thing is: I agree, very loosely, with some of the stuff the makers of the film seem to be trying to convey -- particularly the stuff about the act of creating being invaluable to a person's self-actualisation.

But it was, in my opinion, a garbled and unsophisticated exhibition of Sociology, Theology, Philosophy, And Quantum Theory Made Pseudo-Science. I tend to agree with this:

"One typical tactic [of peuso-science] is to take a gap in scientific evidence and fill it with faith-based claims. For example, geologists have discovered a gap in the fossil record which makes it hard to explain how evolution worked at certain periods. The neo-creationists seize on this and claim it as 'proof' that evolution didn't happen at all. (Incredibly, over 40 percent of Americans believe them). The New Agers do the same with the gaps in quantum physics." -- Johann Hari, The Independent (May 25, 2005)

The makers of the film failed to establish a working definition of any of the terms their "panel" used, launching the film instead into a dizzy onslaught of piecemeal science. The entire film is inexplicably punctuated by haphazard enactments of whatever "principle/s" is/are then under "discussion". These unfortunate fictionalisations are principally acted by Marlee Matlin, whom I otherwise enjoy as an actress. Armin Shimerman also makes a cameo.

These vignettes are nothing short of relentlessly amateurish trumpery. They are cornily written, underwhelmingly acted, and bafflingly embellished by even moreso baffling graphics and animations.


I don't claim to grasp the gamut of current understanding regarding quantum theory, sociology, theology, or philosophy; but I've cracked a few books in my time, and I went to college. Which is to say that I have at least a working knowledge of these subjects -- and even a touch of an academic understanding of a few of them. And I spent most of the movie feeling like I had missed the first ten minutes of explication and was, thereby, relegated to the outer fringes of "Getting It".

But I hadn't missed the first ten minutes of explication. Explication, as a component, did not reside within this shoddily crafted vaccuum of time. And what I know to be true of these fields was so badly botched as to cause me to doubt (initially) my own understanding.

The few moments during which the fog of mild -- but insurmountably obstructive -- confusion lifted were accompanied by a sense of triumph so great as to be insurmountably obstructive in itself. (It is a mindnumbing catch 22 that I was too confused by the bad science to understand the film; but that, when I finally understood a tiny portion of the film, I was too distracted by the victory to watch the film.)

If all of this doesn't dissuade you from experiencing this cinematic/scientific trainwreck, let me leave you with this:
One of the "scientists" is Ramtha, as channeled by JZ Knight.

In case you missed the gravity of what I just told you, let me flesh this out for you:

One of the "SCIENTISTS" in this film is a woman named JZ KNIGHT, who CHANNELS. THE SPIRIT. OF RAMTHA, A 35,000 YEAR-OLD MYSTIC WHO DETACHED HIS CONSCIOUSNESS FROM HIS BODY AND IS NOW CHANNELING IT THROUGH RZ KNIGHT.


Please forgive the histrionic text. But I'm sure you understand.